For the longest time, I always thought you only grieve someone who has passed away, but in reality, there are so many reasons people grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there are no is time limit on how long you can grieve.
Two months after I graduated College my life changed forever and at first, I was in denial. Sometimes I still am today. I couldn’t get a grip on what was going on around me. It was a slow turn of events from living my life with moderate pain to hardly being able to move within months. I went from the happy go lucky girl to a depressed and angry mess. I felt such an overwhelming amount of guilt for what I was putting my family and friends through. It just had me spinning out of control. You tend to lose your mind being spending most of your days in the house and going from doctor to doctor, test to test.
It would get frustrating when people would tell you, you look fine or give their opinions on what I should be doing. They all meant well, but it frustrated me because most of them didn’t know what I went through on a day to day basis. I would get angry like why was this happening to me. What have I done wrong? I was the angriest when I had doctors, who were supposed to be helping me, tell me it was in my head and I should move on. I wanted to yell, “how about you put on my pain suit for a week because most people wouldn’t last a day.
I would constantly feel like I was a burden to everyone and wished I could disappear because it would maybe be easier. The guilt would eat away at me and even though logically I knew none of this was my fault, I still just couldn’t shake the feeling. I would start to go into a depression and cry constantly. Everyone and everything annoyed me.
I started to see a therapist who has been one of the best things to happen to me. I was able to get stuff out that I hadn’t realized still bothered me. I would start to feel okay and think I was finally able to accept what was going on with me, but I would go through a rough patch with new symptoms and I would be in a downward spiral.
Overall, I am learning to live with my condition and I know there are going to be ups and downs with gaining new symptoms and not always knowing when something is going to hit, but I will continue to be forever strong.